adventure

My sister recently asked about Chris and I's plans/hopes of having another child, and would it be soon? I just had to say, "I don't know...and we're open to whatever God has in store for our family." Yes, we do hope to have more children one day...(soon?). We have two right now that the LORD has blessed us with, and will be content if this is all He gives us. But, we hope for more...

For those who may not know this part of our testimony, Chris just had a vasectomy reversal done last December. For the first few months I was on such a roller-coaster ride each month *hoping* and then extreme disappointment that there was no pregnancy yet. I'm trying to be patient, but already have a wonderful Christian, homeschooling midwife lined up and everything. LOL!

But actually, the funny thing that's sort of surprised me is that now I *do* have such a PEACE and contentment overall though...that it's truly in the Lord's hands now, as we've done all we can to remedy our hasty sterilization done right after our dd's birth, over 6 years ago now. Here, I suppose I ought to share the story so as to bring some of you up to date.

Now Chris and I have always been on the same page concerning homeschooling (he's a zealot about it actually!;-) and we've both been radically devoted Christians since before we were married. However, about 6 years ago he/we decided to have a vasectomy right after our second child, our precious dd was born. He'd always thought he just wanted a boy and a girl, now we had them, and so he figured we were"done" (scary how ingrained many Christians - us included, then - are with humanistic concepts/allowances, huh?).

I'd actually never given it much thought before then (how many children to have/ the whole "family planning" idea versus Biblical mandate that children are a BLESSING~ Psalm 127), had just had a petocin-induced v*****l birth, w/no meds, alot of pain and my second horrible hospital-birth experience! We were surrounded by Christian friends who'd also been sterilized, and it just seemed normal... So I wasn't fighting him too hard on it at that point... and the pill wasn't an option for me. How naive we still were though (and so young too). But I still didn't feel right about it as we were driving to his vas. appt. and confided this in him. I had prayed and considered for months, and do remember saying "It just feels too final, and I'm not too sure about this." Well, Chris dismissed my concerns as just so much emotional fickleness. And the deed was done. And that very weekend, as he lay *recovering*, the grieving began for me.

I felt like something had been tragically cut off within me... and as I turned my fearful thoughts to the Lord, I'll never forget that He impressed upon me to read Genesis 2.24;

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

I questioned Him about this, found its relevance a bit perplexing... Then, almost immediately, He gently, though quite firmly impressed upon my mind the imperative relationship of oneness that God intended for us, Chris and I, to have. I was to continue to nurture this intimacy with my husband, to be one with him... just as Christ has done for/with us. I didn't yet realize how this emotional struggle within me (to forgive and love my husband) would become the crux of my battle for years to come, and the Lord was already arming me for spiritual warfare yet to be done... He is so Faithful.

And, as I read the rest of Genesis 2 and 3, He showed me in my spirit how, even as He'd taken a portion of Adam's side - to create Eve, He'd also been opened up in His side as he hung, dying for us, on the cross - symbolizing that the Church, His lovely bride, would now be created from Him. And the blood and water (symbols of our Covenant made with Him) flowed from His side... He wants to be one with us, HE left THE FATHER, to cling to us...and to become one with little 'ol me...WOW... How He comforted and soothed my troubled mind. And so this journey of a deeper walk, a keener intimacy between my husband and I, and my Lord and I, began. He truly can turn what the enemy intended for evil into GOOD.

I remember how terribly alone I felt in this...my desire to have more children. I even dreamt of them, mourned over our loss, our mistake, shared my grief with my dear husband, who just couldn't get it (then), or really sympathize much. I was just plain sorrowful, and tried to let it go, put away this *desire* time and time again, but my heart and arms ached for the children I felt we were still meant to have. For years, as my convictions grew, I battled with not being bitter towards Chris, and truly forgiving him. I was for so long burdened with a direction I felt God wanted to take our family, namely having more children (even if it means by adoption), but Chris did not share my vision for some time.

Even now, he's really come to a place of just being open to whatever God has for us, as am I... and realizing that we JUST don't REALLY know what exactly that may be yet. And now, I'm content either way, and have such a new found love and respect for my husband, just that he would be so sensitive to the Spirit, and *to me*, and go through with a vasectomy reversal! It was no small matter for him (or any man, I'm sure!), and in my book, he's a MAN'S MAN! But, I'm getting ahead of myself here... back to the story...

Well, a few years later, I was led, through a series of events, to a realization that a vasectomy reversal was truly within our reach, both financially and physically. When I presented the option to Chris he was not at all for it though, and as I proceeded to try and further discuss this, in the months following, in various settings, he just seemed to dig his heels in more. He was more sympathetic to my regrets, and very sweet about that (even gave me a card lamenting his decision), but not wanting to remedy the situation through another "expensive surgery".

I became discouraged on the one hand, by his adamant determination that he would not consider it, and didn't think he wanted more children (ironically *loves* kids, but afraid he wouldn't be able to care for them all as individually as he'd like if he had alot...but the Lord is now showing him otherwise). Yet, on the other hand, I was certain that the Lord had placed this burden/desire within me because it just wouldn't let up, is Biblical and I was certain He'd led me to the new found hope and information that I had gained.

So, I decided to let go, and let God. That may sound so cliche, but it's such a powerful concept when coupled with truly prayerful faith, ie; TRUST in God when we can't see a way out. I relinquished my burden to HIM (yet again!;-). And I determined that if the Lord wanted us to have more children, then the Lord would have to do a work in Chris...afterall I wanted him to WANT this, and even initiate it, not feel manipulated into doing it, and then end up resenting me. Our future children would need to know that it was Daddy's decision....and so I found peace (contentment) in waiting.

The Lord gave me this Word to cling to, and continually reminded me to cling also to Chris as my husband, even as I clinged to Him (remember; the Lord gave me Gen.2:24 spec.), and to trust HIM to do the work in Chris, if I would just get out of the way, STAY out of the way (hard part), and put on a meek and quiet spirit about it. He taught me to love my dh in a deeper way, and to respect him as the king of our household...

The king's heart [is] in the hand of the LORD, [as] the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will.

I'm so thankful to be able to tell you that this last Fall, seemingly out of nowhere, Chris came to me, and said, "Why don't you make that appt. for me with the doctor?" Well, I thought he meant for the prolotherapy on his knee that's been bothering him, which he's been wanting to start for years now(it's expensive).

But he said, "No, the other doctor." I was so surprised, and realized that I had completely let the matter go entirely in my own mind. My heart was in my throat, and I'd gotten into such a habit of not wearing my feelings in this issue on my sleeve that I was even nervous at that point about being too excited in front of him! LOL!...silly me! But he knew...;-)

And the Lord has indeed done a work in him, and in me. Now he likes the thought of having more children as well. And I've learned to have more self-control and trust in his ability to hear from and respond to God - without my help (imagine that!), and to just be able to let a matter go that we disagree on, submission if you will. Though at first he adimantly refused, over time (5 yrs!) the Lord has softened his heart to re-consider... and what I'd failed to mention in this before is that, even now Chris *still* doesn't necessarily share my convictions about the reversal's *needing* to be done, but out of love and concern for me, and out of admittance that I may very well have some valid points/convictions...he was eventually, on his own time, and of his own mind, ready to have it done for me, for us, our relationship, and for our family as a whole, more than in and of convictions over the issue itself... It's kind of hard to explain, but did that make sense?

The scripture, "submitting one to another" comes to my mind here...and the husband loving his wife as Christ loves the Church, giving himself up for her...this speaks very basicly to the heart of what happened in Chris's reasoning I think, and change of heart, and caused him to eventually even bring up and initiate his "going back under the knife" as he put it.;)

Well, okay, I did help a little in the beginning, after all, I am half of the whole. LOL! But you get my drift. On Dec.20th last year he had the reversal done, and we're now simply waiting and hoping to conceive sooner than later... Truly, our God is the WAYMAKER!

So now, I patiently wait... and WAIT... again... And even if I don't conceive, my conscience is now clear before God, and MOST importantly, something priceless in our relationship -an emotional/spiritual healing between us- has been restored. I do have strong feelings and convictions now concerning permanent bc/sterilization and do counsel women in caution and deep introspectiona and questioning motives vs. God's heart, etc. every chance I get, sharing my own testimony of experiencing the unforseen heartache of "barreness"... OH!, how our hearts can be changed dramatically within a few years! So, I'll keep trusting Him, and praying that He, in His mercy, will open my womb again w/a child. I've dreamed of this child, met him, held him....makes it hard to wait. ;)

To me, Motherhood is indeed the grandest of callings....I'd be content to hs for 30 more yrs.!...or not. LOL! Either way, He is my Lord, and the giver of all blessings. Meanwhile, I am truly content now to love, nurture and grow with the amazing creations He has already placed within our midst...

So, for all you wondering, there you have it...*IF*, and when there's any news, you'll be the first to know!;)