Friday, September 30, 2005
Created to be His Helpmeet & a True Story ~ My little piece of iron...
I wrote the following to Spunky this evening, and thought I'd better post it here to my own blog instead, since it turned out to be quite longer than I'd originally intended for it to be. And so, I posted her a shortened version. I've vascillated between wanting to share this for some time, and then deciding to stay quiet about it (much easier). But, as it's close to my heart, and I've felt a consistent prodding of late... I write, honestly...
Disclaimer; Obviously, this is NOT a review of the book Created To Be His Helpmeet. Ample reviews have been given, many of which you may read per the links below. To some, the story that I share here may seem totally unrelated to the book CTBHH, but to me, the two are inseperable, and thus my reason for including them together. I've meant to share about this for some time, and still have alot more I'd like to say, one day, but for now, this is a beginning...
Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.
~Proverbs 27.17
Dear Spunky~
I've been meaning to write to you for some time now, simply to thank you for taking the time to thoughtfully read and review CTBHH, and then to discuss it even... I know firsthand how draining it is to enter into these types of discussions, but for the sake of others, it is also a most important part of our calling at times, as Christian wives and mothers, and I'm thankful to your husband for his blessing you as you've taken the time to prepare a feast for me (and countless others silently following along, as I have been, I'm sure), and as you've also set a wonderful example of diligent spiritual housekeeping by your sharing honestly and openly, in light of the scriptures. Your conscientious watchfulness in sounding a very necessary alarm of caution is most timely. I just can't thank you enough and, TOTALLY concur with Hillary...pure gold. Thank you for your faithfulness in fulfilling YOUR calling as a precious Titus 2 woman.
With intrigue, I've followed and considered the reviews since Kristen, of Walking Circumspectly, whom I greatly love and admire, started hers, and then Keer's, and most recently yours, and Sparrow's as well. Also, most recently, Deborah's (though as someone so aptly pointed out, this one is not truly "a review" (and certainly not indepenent), but more of a testimonial.
One reason it's taken me so long to "speak up" is I think b/c, in alot of ways, I'm still a bit "raw" over one of the main issues, which you and Sparrow so deftly covered - that of domestic violence, and the Pearls', imho, most deliberate side-stepping of this issue. I myself used to tow a very legalistic line concerning abuse, and had a faulty view conerning the Biblical parameters of dealings/ intervening and obligation of the Church body in relation to a consistently abusive marriage. I believe that through His Spirit, time, and honest, answer-seeking prayerful Bible-study, He has taught me alot that noone could have convinced me of 8 yrs. ago. I would have been in league with what I now deem to be a most dangerous book. Yeah, I've seen both sides, but not neutrally. And my hubby will tell you, I've no feminist leanings whatsoever either, quite the contrary!
This whole issue of how submission plays out within the realms of domestic violence needed to be addressed further, and out there, considering all the hullabaloo over the book. I've no doubt that your faithfulness in sticking your neck out like that shall be rewarded in ways we can't even conceive of until we're on the other side. Sure it's "just a book", but books, especially popular ones touting "God's Plan", are powerful ideas, and ideas turn into actions, and now we're talking about lives impacted. Most abused women already blame themselves, and thereby justify thier husbands' sin. If some read it, and feel it's helped them, then great, that's their prerogative, but my prayer is that they'll be careful whose hands they place it in. The Pearls' most recent totally irrational, empty response to yours, and others, most humbly presented concerns is just plain insulting, and quite telling...Just more of the same, imo.
You see, over two years ago now, I went through almost a YEAR of weekly Christian counseling with my sister, as her accountability partner, per the counselor's request. Long story short, I got quite an education as she laid out years of history that she'd kept hidden for the most part. Thankfully, she was blessed with the ear and wisdom of a very gifted Christian counselor, who taught us both alot, and understood what she was going through better than either of us did at the time.
Here she was, after years of prayerful submission, fasting and trusting God to save her. He did, though not how she'd expected. He made a very clear way of escape. She was with two broken ribs - completely severed - I saw the x-rays (the Dr. knowingly made sure of it), and the Dr. said she was lucky (we know it was Providential protection) that one of her lungs wasn't punctured. She has 3 lovely children (who'd seen and heard WAY too much, and were devestated) and a very clear assurance from the Lord that she was to leave, that the covenant her now x-husband had made with her was broken. But, she was so entirely depleted, it's like she still needed vocalized permission, and someone else's strength to physically and emotionally and spiritually lean on.
God had very obviously moved us there to MS, from FL, just 2 mos. prior via my dh's work. It was a miracle that I was able to be there for her when she needed me most, truly an answer to years of heart-wrenching prayer for her! She said that if I hadn't been there, she never would've even gone to the Dr. to know that her ribs were broken! And so, that year, I walked with my sister through her divorce. It was the hardest thing I've ever done... tragic, but necessary.
She'd struggled within that abusive marriage for 10 yrs...the last two of which he was claiming to be "saved" (happened right when she'd filed for divorce 2 yrs. earlier, and so she went back to him, hoping for the best, a fresh start), and they went to church (that's the only place he'd "allow", isolation is big for high - controllers). She continued to hide bruises, truths and basicly her life... At one point she thought to start a journal, but then felt guilty even for writing the truth in that. When they started going to church, the abuse actually got worse. He felt more and more justified in his "superiority", for all he heard was "wives submit", filtered through his own highly convoluted perception of pre-conceived ideas as to what that meant. She'd tried *subtley* to get help, and advice, at church, but everyone she ventured to speak with basicly poo-pooed it.
They'd gone to counseling 2 yrs. prior, after they were reunited, which he'd abrupty ended. Sorry to ramble on, but I guess my main point is that for SO many years she struggled in silence, occasionally reaching out with confessions, and with questions, only to quickly take them back again as soon as he "apologized", or someone suggestively threw the blame back at her... even believing it to be. And the cycles continued, and escalated. What he needed was confrontation and accountability, and she - a voice of hope. What she got was heaped guilt, and feelings of condemnation.
I love the doctrine of Biblical submission, it's powerful, it brings the peace of knowing that God is our defender, and that we can even lovingly disagree with our hubbies and still enjoy being around them, and rest in the knowledge that God will speak to them. I hate to see it trounced. And I know there are plenty of sound teachings on it out there for women that aren't so subjectively negligent as CTBHH is.
So now, three years later, my sis is healing, but her road is still very hard. And so are her kids, healing on a hard road. I know from experience that truly, God does make beauty from ashes... And what she, and other broken women like her usually need the most is an understading of Biblical submisson, which will arm them with the discernment they need when they're in the thick of this type of battle. And if need be, enable them to have the courage to walk away before they can't. I also sat in on a group counseling session at the local womens' shelter with my sister, and fwiw, that book would be one of the last I'd have given them... They need something like Boundaries, by Cloud & Townsend (what the counselor had my sis and I read), and of course just the BIBLE. Problem is, you usually don't know who "they" are.
Walking away was the hardest thing my sister's ever done, and more than anything, she wanted to KNOW that she had God's blessing as she did so. What she has to keep in focus is that she's walking towards God, and the restoration that He has in store for her. What these women need is a clear picture of who they are in Christ. Where are the boundaries? What is submission, versus what is abuse, and NOT to be tolerated, BIBLICALLY!
So Spunky, forgive me for writing a book on your blog, but I just felt led to share this...
***Note; This was where I decided I'd better paste this over here on my own blog! And leave a condensed version in Spunky's comments. LOL!***
And mainly, I just wanted to thank you for speaking the truth in love.
To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.
~Isaiah 61.3
Disclaimer; Obviously, this is NOT a review of the book Created To Be His Helpmeet. Ample reviews have been given, many of which you may read per the links below. To some, the story that I share here may seem totally unrelated to the book CTBHH, but to me, the two are inseperable, and thus my reason for including them together. I've meant to share about this for some time, and still have alot more I'd like to say, one day, but for now, this is a beginning...
Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.
~Proverbs 27.17
Dear Spunky~
I've been meaning to write to you for some time now, simply to thank you for taking the time to thoughtfully read and review CTBHH, and then to discuss it even... I know firsthand how draining it is to enter into these types of discussions, but for the sake of others, it is also a most important part of our calling at times, as Christian wives and mothers, and I'm thankful to your husband for his blessing you as you've taken the time to prepare a feast for me (and countless others silently following along, as I have been, I'm sure), and as you've also set a wonderful example of diligent spiritual housekeeping by your sharing honestly and openly, in light of the scriptures. Your conscientious watchfulness in sounding a very necessary alarm of caution is most timely. I just can't thank you enough and, TOTALLY concur with Hillary...pure gold. Thank you for your faithfulness in fulfilling YOUR calling as a precious Titus 2 woman.
With intrigue, I've followed and considered the reviews since Kristen, of Walking Circumspectly, whom I greatly love and admire, started hers, and then Keer's, and most recently yours, and Sparrow's as well. Also, most recently, Deborah's (though as someone so aptly pointed out, this one is not truly "a review" (and certainly not indepenent), but more of a testimonial.
One reason it's taken me so long to "speak up" is I think b/c, in alot of ways, I'm still a bit "raw" over one of the main issues, which you and Sparrow so deftly covered - that of domestic violence, and the Pearls', imho, most deliberate side-stepping of this issue. I myself used to tow a very legalistic line concerning abuse, and had a faulty view conerning the Biblical parameters of dealings/ intervening and obligation of the Church body in relation to a consistently abusive marriage. I believe that through His Spirit, time, and honest, answer-seeking prayerful Bible-study, He has taught me alot that noone could have convinced me of 8 yrs. ago. I would have been in league with what I now deem to be a most dangerous book. Yeah, I've seen both sides, but not neutrally. And my hubby will tell you, I've no feminist leanings whatsoever either, quite the contrary!
This whole issue of how submission plays out within the realms of domestic violence needed to be addressed further, and out there, considering all the hullabaloo over the book. I've no doubt that your faithfulness in sticking your neck out like that shall be rewarded in ways we can't even conceive of until we're on the other side. Sure it's "just a book", but books, especially popular ones touting "God's Plan", are powerful ideas, and ideas turn into actions, and now we're talking about lives impacted. Most abused women already blame themselves, and thereby justify thier husbands' sin. If some read it, and feel it's helped them, then great, that's their prerogative, but my prayer is that they'll be careful whose hands they place it in. The Pearls' most recent totally irrational, empty response to yours, and others, most humbly presented concerns is just plain insulting, and quite telling...Just more of the same, imo.
You see, over two years ago now, I went through almost a YEAR of weekly Christian counseling with my sister, as her accountability partner, per the counselor's request. Long story short, I got quite an education as she laid out years of history that she'd kept hidden for the most part. Thankfully, she was blessed with the ear and wisdom of a very gifted Christian counselor, who taught us both alot, and understood what she was going through better than either of us did at the time.
Here she was, after years of prayerful submission, fasting and trusting God to save her. He did, though not how she'd expected. He made a very clear way of escape. She was with two broken ribs - completely severed - I saw the x-rays (the Dr. knowingly made sure of it), and the Dr. said she was lucky (we know it was Providential protection) that one of her lungs wasn't punctured. She has 3 lovely children (who'd seen and heard WAY too much, and were devestated) and a very clear assurance from the Lord that she was to leave, that the covenant her now x-husband had made with her was broken. But, she was so entirely depleted, it's like she still needed vocalized permission, and someone else's strength to physically and emotionally and spiritually lean on.
God had very obviously moved us there to MS, from FL, just 2 mos. prior via my dh's work. It was a miracle that I was able to be there for her when she needed me most, truly an answer to years of heart-wrenching prayer for her! She said that if I hadn't been there, she never would've even gone to the Dr. to know that her ribs were broken! And so, that year, I walked with my sister through her divorce. It was the hardest thing I've ever done... tragic, but necessary.
She'd struggled within that abusive marriage for 10 yrs...the last two of which he was claiming to be "saved" (happened right when she'd filed for divorce 2 yrs. earlier, and so she went back to him, hoping for the best, a fresh start), and they went to church (that's the only place he'd "allow", isolation is big for high - controllers). She continued to hide bruises, truths and basicly her life... At one point she thought to start a journal, but then felt guilty even for writing the truth in that. When they started going to church, the abuse actually got worse. He felt more and more justified in his "superiority", for all he heard was "wives submit", filtered through his own highly convoluted perception of pre-conceived ideas as to what that meant. She'd tried *subtley* to get help, and advice, at church, but everyone she ventured to speak with basicly poo-pooed it.
They'd gone to counseling 2 yrs. prior, after they were reunited, which he'd abrupty ended. Sorry to ramble on, but I guess my main point is that for SO many years she struggled in silence, occasionally reaching out with confessions, and with questions, only to quickly take them back again as soon as he "apologized", or someone suggestively threw the blame back at her... even believing it to be. And the cycles continued, and escalated. What he needed was confrontation and accountability, and she - a voice of hope. What she got was heaped guilt, and feelings of condemnation.
I love the doctrine of Biblical submission, it's powerful, it brings the peace of knowing that God is our defender, and that we can even lovingly disagree with our hubbies and still enjoy being around them, and rest in the knowledge that God will speak to them. I hate to see it trounced. And I know there are plenty of sound teachings on it out there for women that aren't so subjectively negligent as CTBHH is.
So now, three years later, my sis is healing, but her road is still very hard. And so are her kids, healing on a hard road. I know from experience that truly, God does make beauty from ashes... And what she, and other broken women like her usually need the most is an understading of Biblical submisson, which will arm them with the discernment they need when they're in the thick of this type of battle. And if need be, enable them to have the courage to walk away before they can't. I also sat in on a group counseling session at the local womens' shelter with my sister, and fwiw, that book would be one of the last I'd have given them... They need something like Boundaries, by Cloud & Townsend (what the counselor had my sis and I read), and of course just the BIBLE. Problem is, you usually don't know who "they" are.
Walking away was the hardest thing my sister's ever done, and more than anything, she wanted to KNOW that she had God's blessing as she did so. What she has to keep in focus is that she's walking towards God, and the restoration that He has in store for her. What these women need is a clear picture of who they are in Christ. Where are the boundaries? What is submission, versus what is abuse, and NOT to be tolerated, BIBLICALLY!
So Spunky, forgive me for writing a book on your blog, but I just felt led to share this...
***Note; This was where I decided I'd better paste this over here on my own blog! And leave a condensed version in Spunky's comments. LOL!***
And mainly, I just wanted to thank you for speaking the truth in love.
To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.
~Isaiah 61.3
Me & My Sis (We didn't plan to both wear red t-shirts here! LOL!)
No Place For Abuse, Biblical & Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence
No Place For Abuse, Biblical & Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence
You may view other comments I've received concerning this post here; HomeMaker ~ Beth
Comments:
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Beth, That was excellent and I'm glad that you shared your sister's story. She is beautiful! I'm glad that she is on the path to healing and growing in her Redeemer's love. He truly did redeem her from the pit!
Love and shalom,
Serena
Love and shalom,
Serena
You two definitely look like sisters! :)
The Boundaries book is excellent, I need to re-read that one myself.
The Boundaries book is excellent, I need to re-read that one myself.
CTBHH is a dangerous book.
I am a conservative Baptist, non-feministic and a submissive wife. Even though there were some good things regarding bringing women back to godly principles in marriage, I found this book very disturbing. I had been a severely abused wife for 25 years. So from the angle of an abused wife, I would like to comment and speak up for those women too afraid or unable to speak for themselves.
Chapter 2: The ugly hillbilly woman- the first and main reason she is accounted as ‘Ugly’ by Debi Pearl, is that she is overweight! As an overweight woman, that stung! I may be overweight, but my husband and family and friends have never even intimated that I am ugly! The fact that a smile can change this “worse than regular ugly!” woman is hogwash. It takes more than a smile to change a character- though a smile does indeed help. To say that the woman became unrecognizable when she was caught scowling because she was upset at her obese daughter taking candy is a bit far-fetched (unless her husband is short-sighted or dim-witted) However, I do agree that we must cultivate a happy disposition and smile. Our husbands and family need to see that.
When I first read the letter to the desperate wife whose husband was having an emotional affair with his secretary my first response was that Mrs Pearl’s advice was wrong. Then I reconsidered and thought that there was truth in the advice that if the wife stood up for her rights (and indeed she was in the right)- and fought to win her man back, then that would be the better way to approach it than to end the marriage. I have seen marriages almost ruined by affairs become stronger than ever where the wife has stood her ground. But if the marriage fails, why does Mrs Pearl attest that “if you get another husband, he will be like your old one- cast off by some other woman”? Who is she to say that with such conviction? It is not necessarily true or a given fact!
But it is so true that you cannot force or demand your husband to love you and that he cannot be pressured to love you because you are husband and wife. But why does love come into the equation in a Christian marriage? Where are commitment, understanding, compassion, forgiveness and other Christ-like attributes like forbearance, integrity and obligation to keep the marriage vows simply because God says we must?
If one person does not want to be in a marriage, it is a sad fact of life that sometimes no matter how much the spouse who wishes to remain in the marriage tries to please the errant spouse, then the one wanting out will often leave or make it impossible to stay in the marriage by becoming violent or aggressive. Then, because of hardness of heart of the errant spouse, the prayers and efforts of the faithful spouse come to naught. Why? Because we are carnal creatures at times- both men and women. God sometimes cannot soften a heart that is turned from Him because He will not violate our free will. However,I believe if you loved your husband enough, you would fight for him. Or stay in the marriage until it was impossible to remain safely in it.
We do see a bit of the “boys will be boys” mentality in this chapter, and I have to wonder if this is biased towards men being helpless creatures bewitched under the guiles of wicked women- Jezebels all. I know that men are called to account to God for their sins and being a man who can’t control his thought life and actions is not being a godly man. It does seem that the wife is to bear the burden of blame for her husband’s sin and then take it on the chin! And smile, smile, smile through her tears!
Another sore point with me is where she says,” being pitiful, hurt, discouraged and even sickly is one side of a “bad marriage” coin. Men in general (your husband in particular), are repulsed by women who project this image. A man’s spirit tells him his woman is rejecting him manipulating him when she regularly manifests a broken spirit, and he will react in anger.” As a woman who suffers from an illness that causes chronic pain and fatigue, I am so overjoyed to report that my husband doesn’t treat me as a faulty appliance which causes him great anger, but he cherishes me and tries to alleviate my suffering on bad days by sharing in my tasks and closing an eye to that which can’t be done on any particular day. After all, we promised to love each other in sickness and in health. Isn’t that type of commitment what God wants in marriage? So this chapter got me thanking God for the blessing of a husband who puts me first when I need it.
Chapter 4: Thanksgiving produces joy. Whilst I can see Mrs Pearl’s point about not getting upset about the trash not being taken out, I think she is a little (much?) on the immature side when she finds screaming like that funny. IMO she is mighty fortunate to have a man who can see the funny side- especially when he has not been in the habit of taking trash out for her. And then to see her struggling week after week with the trash and not help her seems really inconsiderate to me.
Also I am uncomfortable that a woman who is teaching other women to be godly wives forgets that we are to be discreet- especially when our intimate lives are involved. It is not very discreet to almost hope that the business manager comes in and then to have a scream ready to embarrass the poor man! Yes, we are to be our husband’s playmate! I agree 100% but then I agree with the Word which clearly says: ” as a jewel of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.” Proverbs 11:22
To not care about the feelings of the business manager but in fact to entertain thoughts of him finding Mr and Mrs Pearl frollicking or worse yet, in flagrant delicto, is absolutely contrary to Scripture. We are not to be the cause of another person to stumble- apart from being very embarrassing to the staff, I am sure most of them would think Mr and Mrs Pearl extremely indiscreet and insensitive- lovemaking should be enjoyable, fun and PRIVATE!
Chapter 5: the gift of wisdom: In the beginning of this chapter, IMO Mrs Pearl is putting a great deal of pressure on the wife to be the prime force behind a successful marriage. If the marriage is not a heavenly one, it would seem in her opinion, that the wife is not submitting or being thankful and joyful. Whilst I agree that basically what she says is true, there are marriages where normal boundaries are overstepped and it is impossible to be thankful or joyful- for example after a beating or some other horrendously humiliating experience. Now it is extremely difficult if not impossible, to be thankful to and for the husband who is like this.
Marriage is a two-way street. A man is to love his wife as his own body- no man hates his own body but cherishes it (Ephesians 5:28) To completely negate this by saying that a wife should love and respect her husband regardless is OK- to a point. But what of the badly abused wife? It is impossible to be a loving responsive wife in the evening after that same man has bruised you physically and emotionally during the day. At best our body can be receptive, but our heart cannot join in with loving responses. The fear overrides all else.
I feel Mrs Pearl is totally unable to empathise with a wife who is badly abused and to add the pressure of maintaining or creating a “heavenly” marriage in such a case is not only impossible but invites the poor woman to break down emotionally or even doubt or lose her faith! Mrs Pearl is preaching the truth for the majority of marriages- but not for all!
As a woman nearly beaten to the point of death in my first marriage, I take great exception to this:(the abusive harsh husband)…”But he cannot victimize you unless you react outside of the wisdom of God.” This is such hogwash! When your jaw is dislocated or your ribs broken, it is a normal reaction to feel pain. Then to fear being hurt like that again. It is hopeful that the godly woman will turn to God in her pain and not feel rejected by Him. To even continue in a marriage like this takes more faith and obedience than Mrs Pearl will ever know personally.
I did as Mrs Pearl advocates: I held my tongue and didn’t strike back in anger. I tried not to feel sorry for myself and protected HIM from the consequences of his sin by not going to the law and telling my doctor lies about how my injuries came about. I understand what Mrs Pearl is saying but I also understand that there are some men walking so much in sin that it goes WAY BEYOND TRASH BAGS NOT BEING TAKEN OUT. Preaching like Mrs Pearl’s saw me come to the point of a nervous breakdown.
When you feel like God doesn’t intervene or care or if you leave your husband, that you are going to Hell, and are therefore trapped in a cycle of abuse that makes you vomit up everything you eat because of fear, then you have nowhere to go but down into the pit of Hell itself. I am adamant that God does care, and doesn’t want any wife to be treated in this way. But I realise that on the other side of the coin, there are many wives who will justify leaving their husbands for a minor infringement like not taking the trash out! So this chapter has to be read assuming that a marriage is not in the extreme range of violence against the woman.
I wasn’t going to get personal in my critique, but maybe some women reading this will identify and be helped by what I write! Balance, dear Sisters, balance and wisdom in ALL things! So this chapter to me is one where I nod and turn the page over!
I have made notes of other things both good and bad to comment on, but I now realise that in all honesty, the more I delve into this book, the more I find it disturbs me. There are too many things that Debi Pearl writes about that are not backed up by scripture and in other situations, I feel that she and Michael offer no real answer for those married to men who are habitually abusing their wives. I am not really well enough at the moment to write about each and every chapter, so I will make a blanket critique of this book by saying IMO the advice is often unrealistic and even dangerous- especially about keeping silent if you are a wife suffering from abuse.
My belief is that when a wife comes to the point of shedding blood or having bones broken by her husband then the authorities should be notified, her doctor should be consulted and treatment given and her pastor should be informed. I regret that I followed the “suffering in silence” method of dealing with my own physical abuse and almost ended up dying at my ex husband’s hands. To counsel women along the lines of silent suffering is not wise counsel and downright dangerous.
So in closing, I would say that I have changed my mind about recommending the book- I would caution all those who read it to keep in mind that husbands do indeed have no right before God or man to so damage their wife that she suffer real physical damage. Christian or not- the red line is crossed when a woman or child is hit enough to cause any damage.
We have many excellent books on Christian marriage that are equally good in bringing women back to remembering that they are helpmeets. IMO the Pearls book is not totally backed up in scripture and is therefore erroneous teaching and dangerous as well. I now would say that my findings are 90% rubbish and 10% good teaching. If you are in a marriage where you are not living in fear every waking moment, praise God! I am happy for you, however, I am speaking up for thousands of godly Christian Sisters who are not! They need your prayers and compassion badly- something that Debi and Michael Pearl seem to be lacking!
I am a conservative Baptist, non-feministic and a submissive wife. Even though there were some good things regarding bringing women back to godly principles in marriage, I found this book very disturbing. I had been a severely abused wife for 25 years. So from the angle of an abused wife, I would like to comment and speak up for those women too afraid or unable to speak for themselves.
Chapter 2: The ugly hillbilly woman- the first and main reason she is accounted as ‘Ugly’ by Debi Pearl, is that she is overweight! As an overweight woman, that stung! I may be overweight, but my husband and family and friends have never even intimated that I am ugly! The fact that a smile can change this “worse than regular ugly!” woman is hogwash. It takes more than a smile to change a character- though a smile does indeed help. To say that the woman became unrecognizable when she was caught scowling because she was upset at her obese daughter taking candy is a bit far-fetched (unless her husband is short-sighted or dim-witted) However, I do agree that we must cultivate a happy disposition and smile. Our husbands and family need to see that.
When I first read the letter to the desperate wife whose husband was having an emotional affair with his secretary my first response was that Mrs Pearl’s advice was wrong. Then I reconsidered and thought that there was truth in the advice that if the wife stood up for her rights (and indeed she was in the right)- and fought to win her man back, then that would be the better way to approach it than to end the marriage. I have seen marriages almost ruined by affairs become stronger than ever where the wife has stood her ground. But if the marriage fails, why does Mrs Pearl attest that “if you get another husband, he will be like your old one- cast off by some other woman”? Who is she to say that with such conviction? It is not necessarily true or a given fact!
But it is so true that you cannot force or demand your husband to love you and that he cannot be pressured to love you because you are husband and wife. But why does love come into the equation in a Christian marriage? Where are commitment, understanding, compassion, forgiveness and other Christ-like attributes like forbearance, integrity and obligation to keep the marriage vows simply because God says we must?
If one person does not want to be in a marriage, it is a sad fact of life that sometimes no matter how much the spouse who wishes to remain in the marriage tries to please the errant spouse, then the one wanting out will often leave or make it impossible to stay in the marriage by becoming violent or aggressive. Then, because of hardness of heart of the errant spouse, the prayers and efforts of the faithful spouse come to naught. Why? Because we are carnal creatures at times- both men and women. God sometimes cannot soften a heart that is turned from Him because He will not violate our free will. However,I believe if you loved your husband enough, you would fight for him. Or stay in the marriage until it was impossible to remain safely in it.
We do see a bit of the “boys will be boys” mentality in this chapter, and I have to wonder if this is biased towards men being helpless creatures bewitched under the guiles of wicked women- Jezebels all. I know that men are called to account to God for their sins and being a man who can’t control his thought life and actions is not being a godly man. It does seem that the wife is to bear the burden of blame for her husband’s sin and then take it on the chin! And smile, smile, smile through her tears!
Another sore point with me is where she says,” being pitiful, hurt, discouraged and even sickly is one side of a “bad marriage” coin. Men in general (your husband in particular), are repulsed by women who project this image. A man’s spirit tells him his woman is rejecting him manipulating him when she regularly manifests a broken spirit, and he will react in anger.” As a woman who suffers from an illness that causes chronic pain and fatigue, I am so overjoyed to report that my husband doesn’t treat me as a faulty appliance which causes him great anger, but he cherishes me and tries to alleviate my suffering on bad days by sharing in my tasks and closing an eye to that which can’t be done on any particular day. After all, we promised to love each other in sickness and in health. Isn’t that type of commitment what God wants in marriage? So this chapter got me thanking God for the blessing of a husband who puts me first when I need it.
Chapter 4: Thanksgiving produces joy. Whilst I can see Mrs Pearl’s point about not getting upset about the trash not being taken out, I think she is a little (much?) on the immature side when she finds screaming like that funny. IMO she is mighty fortunate to have a man who can see the funny side- especially when he has not been in the habit of taking trash out for her. And then to see her struggling week after week with the trash and not help her seems really inconsiderate to me.
Also I am uncomfortable that a woman who is teaching other women to be godly wives forgets that we are to be discreet- especially when our intimate lives are involved. It is not very discreet to almost hope that the business manager comes in and then to have a scream ready to embarrass the poor man! Yes, we are to be our husband’s playmate! I agree 100% but then I agree with the Word which clearly says: ” as a jewel of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.” Proverbs 11:22
To not care about the feelings of the business manager but in fact to entertain thoughts of him finding Mr and Mrs Pearl frollicking or worse yet, in flagrant delicto, is absolutely contrary to Scripture. We are not to be the cause of another person to stumble- apart from being very embarrassing to the staff, I am sure most of them would think Mr and Mrs Pearl extremely indiscreet and insensitive- lovemaking should be enjoyable, fun and PRIVATE!
Chapter 5: the gift of wisdom: In the beginning of this chapter, IMO Mrs Pearl is putting a great deal of pressure on the wife to be the prime force behind a successful marriage. If the marriage is not a heavenly one, it would seem in her opinion, that the wife is not submitting or being thankful and joyful. Whilst I agree that basically what she says is true, there are marriages where normal boundaries are overstepped and it is impossible to be thankful or joyful- for example after a beating or some other horrendously humiliating experience. Now it is extremely difficult if not impossible, to be thankful to and for the husband who is like this.
Marriage is a two-way street. A man is to love his wife as his own body- no man hates his own body but cherishes it (Ephesians 5:28) To completely negate this by saying that a wife should love and respect her husband regardless is OK- to a point. But what of the badly abused wife? It is impossible to be a loving responsive wife in the evening after that same man has bruised you physically and emotionally during the day. At best our body can be receptive, but our heart cannot join in with loving responses. The fear overrides all else.
I feel Mrs Pearl is totally unable to empathise with a wife who is badly abused and to add the pressure of maintaining or creating a “heavenly” marriage in such a case is not only impossible but invites the poor woman to break down emotionally or even doubt or lose her faith! Mrs Pearl is preaching the truth for the majority of marriages- but not for all!
As a woman nearly beaten to the point of death in my first marriage, I take great exception to this:(the abusive harsh husband)…”But he cannot victimize you unless you react outside of the wisdom of God.” This is such hogwash! When your jaw is dislocated or your ribs broken, it is a normal reaction to feel pain. Then to fear being hurt like that again. It is hopeful that the godly woman will turn to God in her pain and not feel rejected by Him. To even continue in a marriage like this takes more faith and obedience than Mrs Pearl will ever know personally.
I did as Mrs Pearl advocates: I held my tongue and didn’t strike back in anger. I tried not to feel sorry for myself and protected HIM from the consequences of his sin by not going to the law and telling my doctor lies about how my injuries came about. I understand what Mrs Pearl is saying but I also understand that there are some men walking so much in sin that it goes WAY BEYOND TRASH BAGS NOT BEING TAKEN OUT. Preaching like Mrs Pearl’s saw me come to the point of a nervous breakdown.
When you feel like God doesn’t intervene or care or if you leave your husband, that you are going to Hell, and are therefore trapped in a cycle of abuse that makes you vomit up everything you eat because of fear, then you have nowhere to go but down into the pit of Hell itself. I am adamant that God does care, and doesn’t want any wife to be treated in this way. But I realise that on the other side of the coin, there are many wives who will justify leaving their husbands for a minor infringement like not taking the trash out! So this chapter has to be read assuming that a marriage is not in the extreme range of violence against the woman.
I wasn’t going to get personal in my critique, but maybe some women reading this will identify and be helped by what I write! Balance, dear Sisters, balance and wisdom in ALL things! So this chapter to me is one where I nod and turn the page over!
I have made notes of other things both good and bad to comment on, but I now realise that in all honesty, the more I delve into this book, the more I find it disturbs me. There are too many things that Debi Pearl writes about that are not backed up by scripture and in other situations, I feel that she and Michael offer no real answer for those married to men who are habitually abusing their wives. I am not really well enough at the moment to write about each and every chapter, so I will make a blanket critique of this book by saying IMO the advice is often unrealistic and even dangerous- especially about keeping silent if you are a wife suffering from abuse.
My belief is that when a wife comes to the point of shedding blood or having bones broken by her husband then the authorities should be notified, her doctor should be consulted and treatment given and her pastor should be informed. I regret that I followed the “suffering in silence” method of dealing with my own physical abuse and almost ended up dying at my ex husband’s hands. To counsel women along the lines of silent suffering is not wise counsel and downright dangerous.
So in closing, I would say that I have changed my mind about recommending the book- I would caution all those who read it to keep in mind that husbands do indeed have no right before God or man to so damage their wife that she suffer real physical damage. Christian or not- the red line is crossed when a woman or child is hit enough to cause any damage.
We have many excellent books on Christian marriage that are equally good in bringing women back to remembering that they are helpmeets. IMO the Pearls book is not totally backed up in scripture and is therefore erroneous teaching and dangerous as well. I now would say that my findings are 90% rubbish and 10% good teaching. If you are in a marriage where you are not living in fear every waking moment, praise God! I am happy for you, however, I am speaking up for thousands of godly Christian Sisters who are not! They need your prayers and compassion badly- something that Debi and Michael Pearl seem to be lacking!
# posted by 
: 8:35 AM
: 8:35 AM
Amen, and AMEN!
I am SO glad that you found me!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this important subject Glenys. I am so thankful that you are alive and well today, offering hope to others.
blessings to you and yours~
ps. I took the liberty of pasting and posting your comment under this same post, on my other blog as well, here;
http://brewcrew.homeschooljournal.net/2005/09/30/created-to-be-his-helpmeet-a-true-story-my-little-piece-of-iron/
I am SO glad that you found me!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this important subject Glenys. I am so thankful that you are alive and well today, offering hope to others.
blessings to you and yours~
ps. I took the liberty of pasting and posting your comment under this same post, on my other blog as well, here;
http://brewcrew.homeschooljournal.net/2005/09/30/created-to-be-his-helpmeet-a-true-story-my-little-piece-of-iron/
Beth, I loved you writing of your sis's heartache and fear of ending the marriage because she wanted to be in God's Will and have His blessing- that was a major factor in my staying so long...no one can understand how hard it is for a Christian to end her marriage when she wants so desperately to be in the LORD'S will...(in this case, stay in the marriage) unless they have walked in her shoes or by her side. The indecision and fear are constant and unfortunately the Church often does not even try to empathise but instead heaps guilt on an already fearful woman who has turned herself inside out to make her marriage work and avoid further abuse. Even when at the point of dying from abuse, the need to have the Church's "permission" or blessing on leaving is critical to the Christian woman's determination to save herself by leaving and divorcing if necessary. Divorce when you are a Titus 2/Proverbs 31 woman is the most difficult thing she will have to go through. I am so glad that your sis is OK now. Blessings, Glenys
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