adventure

Debi over at Just as I am tagged me with this *marriage secrets* meme. Be sure and click on the link to read her answer, which is SO true, and definitely one that I've also found to be a foundational bit of marital wisdom!

Question

What's one thing you have learned to do differently to make your marriage better? Or one thing you think is important to a good marriage?

The Not-So-Fine-Print

If you're not married, look at your parents or a couple you know that has a good marriage and tell something you admire about their relationship. And no pressure to tell the most important thing; in fact, try to write something different than what's already been written, if you get tagged after several other people have already done it. If you get tagged, link back to whoever tagged you, so we can follow the trail and see what others have said.

My Answer

Oh, what an immense subject, with so many bunny trails to follow when I think of answering... Well, my first answer would I think be much the same as Debi's; to love my husband simply for who he is NOW, without expectations has been among my greatest lessons learned... After all, to *love* someone simply because they're pleasing you, or living up to some preconceived idea one has of how someone else should be (which is most often relative anyways) is rather selfish, which is truly not loving at all, but rather the opposite, wouldn't you say?

Of course, to truly love someone unconditionally is much easier said than done... But having learned to rest in this - my acceptance of Chris for who he is - has been so freeing to me, and to him too, I'm sure. And ironically, I've noticed that it seems so easy for Christian women to fall into this trap of discontentment, in some ways more so even than non-Christians. We get this idea of all that our husband should be DOing to be "a man of God" (some of which, granted, are legitimate, but some of which are undoubtedly self-proclaimed/not Spirit-induced ideals), which inevitably set us up for disappointment, and then resentment and bitterness when we feel that our husband is neglecting his responsibilities to us as wives, or our family. Yes, we should hope for growth, and pray that our husbands do become all that God has for them to be, but we must compassionately understand that the destination is often yet afar off, and how God sees fit to getting each of us there is going to be different (as we are individuals) and will undoubtedly be beyond our initial understanding. I've no doubt though that as we seek the Lord for our husbands, He will give us great insights as to how we may truly help them... rather than hinder them.

My answer really does tie in with what Debi shared about... basicly, letting go and letting God... which translates into true Biblical submission I think. That may sound so cliche, but it's such a powerful concept when coupled with truly prayerful faith, ie; TRUST in God when we can't see a way out. I'm learning to relinquish my marital burdens to HIM (yet again, and again!;-). I've learned to lighten up a bit, to not have to obsessively defend myself or my stance in an argument as if my life depended upon it (and to not be so touchy, easily *wounded* either), ie; not taking things so personal, or having to make sure that I'm *understood*, translated; get the last word in! Afterall, my husband is a M-A-N, and thus very different than I (as Debi aptly points out). He's not perfect, never will be! And he's going to miss it sometimes (as am I)! He's going to miss the mark with me, with God, with life sometimes... and vice versa, but this doesn't mean that he doesn't love me, or that he must immediately realize how very wrong he is for feeling, acting, or being this or that way (he usually probably knows already anyways, or maybe it's even me that's wrong...*GASP!*) I've learned to give him (and myself) S-P-A-C-E... to journey, to learn, to grow, and to hear God for himself. And that it's not MY job to change a single thing about him, I can't, I won't, and what a relief it is!!

I was so very insecure for the first half of our marriage thusfar, and had these big fears of rejection and abandonment all rolled into one big burdensome knot, that when we'd get into an argument, would paralyze me, and I'd get all tangled up in these overwhelming emotions that rendered me useless to the Lord, myself or Chris... I'd literally just go into freak out mode internally when I sensed that something was seriously amiss between Chris and I, or *with Chris* (in my own mind anyways). I've come to realize that it really was a manifestation of my own lack of faith/TRUST in our Lord, I would allow myself to become gripped with fear.

I'll never forget one day, years ago now, as I sat in our car in a WalMart parking lot, stewing over some argument Chris and I were in (don't even remember it now) when the Lord very clearly impressed upon my spirit that I was to just let it go, entirely... put the whole mess to rest, without an apology from him, or another word from me! What a novel, absurd idea to have in that moment (and definitely not my own)! He was in the store I think, I'd been too mad to accompany him. And as I internally wrestled with the concept, something in me just broke. I heard my Lord whisper to me of how innocent He was when He'd allowed Himself to be crucified for my sake... And here I was causing dissension by carrying on about some petty, *felt* injustice I had... Oh, how my heart broke over my own self-important pride. I repented and resolved to crucify my own flesh. I chose to offer obedience to my Lord in that situation, and I learned what submission really means...

I submitted to my husband, as I submitted to the Lord in that moment. I felt such relief and peace, as the Spirit Himself assured me that now He would be able to reign in that area of our relationship, since I had relinquished my strangle-hold of control over it to Him. I've learned that if I'll just SHUT UP! sometimes, then God can get a word in edgewise with my husband. hehehehe All that... all in a moment of solitude with Him. He met me there in my car, in spite of my sin and anger, and he showed me how to escape that horrible cycle of blame that so easily sucks us in and holds us hostage to one another's unfulfilled expectations and shortcomings/inadequacies.

So, over the years, as I've gained a bit more spiritual composure in the Lord, and a more realistic outlook as to how human relations work, Chris and I have a much better relationship. I've let go of so many ideal and *expectations* that were really superficial anyways, for the most part. And I've learned to embrace Chris as a unique person, with his own problems, fears and strengths. I've learned to rest in his idiosyncracies, and to delight in his faithful companionship, to step back and more objectively look at various situations, disagreements, yet unfulfilled hopes, etc. I've learned that my acceptance of him, and loving tenderness toward him does more to inspire him towards loving me than any nagging and bickering ever could. I've learned that what I think I need is often so very different from what I REALLY need in a husband... Yes, there's a time and necessary place for *discussing* disagreements, etc. but I've learned that timing and attitude have everything in the world to do with how my sentiments/ideas are received.

The Lord has healed and grown me/us as a couple in so many respects over the last 11 yrs. of marriage and I think that overall, I would have to say that my greatest lesson learned has been to really trust God to speak to my husband directly for my sake, for his sake, and where our children are concerned. Yes, we talk ALOT about things and he puts alot of stock in my views too, but I've learned that when we disagree, it's O-K-A-Y. We will not always be on the same page, but at least with the Lord as our home's bedrock, we are reading the same Book.

So, what {in a nutshell} have I learned to do differently? I've learned a bit of the truth that Jesus tried to share with us in so many words and instances... to DIE, rather than to tout my rights.

And to L-I-S-T-E-N better... not only to what he's really saying, but to why he's feeling a certain way... where's he at? This gets the focus off of me, me, me, and onto him, which is always a good start... No, this marriage thing really isn't all about me... *smiles*

So, now (if anyone is still reading this book!) I'd like to hear what you have to share with us. If you'd like to answer this question, then please feel free to do so, and let me know by leaving me a comment and link to your answer!

Also, check out Sparrow's answer to this question, SPOT ON!

// posted by Unknown @ 10:12 PM