adventure

This quilting project that I've been working on lately, my first, has been a blessing to me in many ways. It's been a catalyst for more creativity to come, and it's been very meditative as well. I'm finding that I am prayerful as I sew. As I'd shared earlier, when T and I picked out the fabrics for this particular quilt, we'd decided that it would be representative of Spring.

It's been so cathartic to put together the pieces... and to sew, to see it evolve and come together, the sweet satisfaction of creating something of beauty (if I do say so myself). As I was laying it all out a couple of weeks ago, I had such an emotional release as the triangular and squared pieces all spread out reminded me of my brother in an abstract, associative way, due to some of the reading I've been doing of late on schizophrenia.

You see *sighs*, my dear little brother (who is now 25yo) has recently been diagnosed with this illness... which literally means "shattered mind" (Gk. schizo; shattered, phenia; mind). Recently he's been admitted to a state mental institution, and is now being medicated... the doctors have been working with him for over a month now, and still haven't found the "right" meds for him (if there is such a thing?)...*sighs* The doctors have said that he is very delusional (we knew that) and shared some other dark and looming observations/diagnosis of his phsycosis as well.

I have been grieving for him on different levels for years though already, as has our entire family, as we've witnessed his gradual personality changes and cognitive decline... It's been confusing to say the least, and heart-breaking. Oh, I haven't many words for it all right now, except to say that I'm drained as I find myself battling this overwhelming sense of dread and finality at my hearing of his official diagnosis. And yet, I keep hearing the Lord speak hope into my spirit, when I think of him, and I find my prayers for him turning to inner groanings, tearful pleadings for redemption and restoration... visions of hope and healing yet unseen.

Somehow, as I pieced this quilt together, all of the pinwheel pieces laying haphazardly on my bed reminded me of my brother's fragmented spirit, his shattered mind. And I wept, as I grieved in a way that I hadn't yet. And then I thought about this quilt, which is supposed to be Spring, and I thought of renewal, of life and growth... of the brilliance that comes when the Lord takes the broken pieces of our lives, the shards of our shattered minds and impotent spirits and creates His own lovely pattern from them, a grand design of beauty and hope. Lovely, strong plants grow up from seeds that have died in the dark, beneath the hard, bare ground of winterpast. And I'm praying that the seeds of Truth would sprout in his heart, and grow in a way that will free him, renewing his mind, that he would truly be born again, a new creation.

And so, my children and I have decided to name our prayer quilt Renewal, in remembrance of my dear brother, their beloved Uncle J. We shall hang it and I will be reminded daily of the promise the Lord gave me for my brother, seven years ago when I prayed desperately for him...

21 Now Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.
22 But even now I know that whatever You ask of God, God will give You.”
23 Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.”
24 Martha said to Him, “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.”
25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live. 26 And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?”
27 She said to Him, “Yes, Lord, I believe that You are the Christ, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.”
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40 Jesus said to her, “Did I not say to you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?” 41 Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead man was lying. And Jesus lifted up His eyes and said, “Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. 42 And I know that You always hear Me, but because of the people who are standing by I said this, that they may believe that You sent Me.” 43 Now when He had said these things, He cried with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come forth!” 44 And he who had died came out bound hand and foot with graveclothes, and his face was wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Loose him, and let him go.”
~John 11

The Lord gave me this Scripture passage specifically as a promise of my brother's life. He was yet in highschool, and seemed *normal* (whatever that is, but at least not delusional) except that he was getting mixed up in a really bad crowd, and on drugs. Now, the above passage has even more significance to me, as it does feel as though, in many respects, my dear brother Jason is no longer there, he is lost somehow... so lost, as if he were dead... And yet, I believe in the Resurrection and the LIFE!

I do not like where my brother is at right now. It utterly creeps me out to think of him spending his days alone, with strangers, drugs and tormenting voices (yes, he hears them, plotting against him always)... and yet, the Lord is not caught by surprise. I'm trusting that my Saviour will answer our prayers, and that He is my brother's Keeper, even now...